Pairings and Ponderings
by Pink Pandoracorn
Summary: Mostly just oneshot pairings. Some drabble, some crackfic, and I'm totally open to suggestions! :D Rated M for a little violence and and a lot of suggestive language- nothing explicit
1. Gaige and Salvador

"Why does Salvador have purple panties tucked in his back pocket?" Axton asked under his breath. They were sitting together in the back of the technical, speeding through the Dust.

_"__Anarchy!"_

_He laughed like a maniac. "ADIOS PENDEJOS!"_

_They'd been separated from the others and were surrounded by bandits. Each was wildly spraying bullets from their weapons, taken over by their bloodlust. Deathtrap was already a twisted hunk of metal on the ground, but that was a problem for later. For now there was just bullets and blood and killing._

_He roared. She screamed. Around them the sounds of life being abruptly and violently ended were drowned out by the sounds of the guns._

_They were back to back, and the recoil from each other's weapons made their aim worthless. The bandits were so close that it didn't matter. Bullets tore through flesh, blood covered everything._

_And then there were no more bandits, just bodies. Both looked around, seeking something else to kill. Frustration. There was no one left._

_They saw each other. His eyes locked on the split in the front of her skirt. She couldn't look away from the veins standing out from the bulging muscles in his arms. He dropped his guns on the ground. She carelessly tossed her shotgun aside. Bloodlust gave way to lust of a different kind and they came together frantically. Mouths met violently, clothes were torn free. He hummed that strange song. She cried out for more._

_There was dust everywhere._

Gaige pressed her knees together. "Yeah, I dunno, man. Truxicans are weird."


	2. Maya and Mordecai

I stilled. I was concealed on a ridge high in the snow, lying on my belly. Eye sighted down the scope and I took careful aim.

_Inhale. Exhale. Shoot._

I hit my target exactly where I wanted to and his head exploded in a mess of blood and brain matter. The rest of the bandits started clamoring around, looking for who was attacking them. They couldn't see me tucked up there in the snow.

I re-aimed at the next target. He was moving, I had to lead him.

_Inhale. Exhale. Shoot._

I ignored the fact that the entire front of my body was getting painful from the cold of the snow. My bare hip was completely numb already.

_Inhale. Exhale. Shoot._

Out of nowhere, a bird dropped into them and started attacking, ripping flesh with its vicious claws and razor-sharp beak.

_Inhale. Exhale. Shoot._

Someone else was shooting at them. Another sniper rifle, the same careful aim. The shooter was off to my right and considerably higher than I was. Heads were exploding that I hadn't aimed at, and I could see the purple slag from the other shooter's bullets sprayed around, mixed in the blood.

_Inhale. Exhale. Shoot._

It was time to reload. I fumbled at my side for more ammo. My ungloved fingers scrabbled roughly in the snow until I found a new magazine. My gloved hand responded faster and I reloaded quickly.

By the time I was sighting down my scope again, there were two left.

_Inhale. Exhale. Shoot._

The bird took care of the other one in a final spray of blood and I sprang up, eager to be out of the snow. I stowed my sniper rifle on my back and descended carefully down the side of the snow-covered hill. I was already thinking ahead to the warm fire I'd build, but first I needed to see what the bandits had dropped.

Money, of course, some ammo. Very little of the type I was looking for, most bandits didn't have the patience for a sniper rifle. I'd grown up in a monastery. I knew patience.

I grew aware of him as I stood, stuffing the last of the money in my pockets. This would buy me a drink at least, reload my weapon. I turned to face him, left hand up and ready in case he meant me harm. I had a pistol strapped to my leg, just perfect for unloading into an attacker after they were trapped in my phaselock.

"You're a good shot," he said approvingly. I noticed the googles, the blood-covered bird on his shoulder, his own sniper rifle with the barrel spattered purple-blue on his own back and eased down.

"You must be Mordecai. Roland mentioned you."

He inclined his head just once, the barest of nods. "Come with me." He loped off through the snow and I followed easily enough, my sturdy boots keeping a firm grip on the snow.

He led the way to a tower and started ascending it. He had the benefit of wearing two gloves, I just had the one. I shook my hand to try to regain some feeling and followed. I was slower, of course, relying mostly on the three limbs that still had full circulation.

There was a shack, for lack of a better word, at the top of the tower. A bedroll, some food, some bottles of booze, and a crackling fire. My eyes lit up at the sight of the fire. The bird was perched just inside, preening the blood off its feathers.

"Sit down, Vault Hunter," he urged, and I lowered myself down beside the orange flames.

"Maya," I said softly, holding out my bare left hand to the fire.

"What?"

"My name."

He picked up one of the green bottles and took a long swallow. "This shit is only bearable when it's this cold," he said, offering me the bottle. "Come on, it'll help you warm up. I saw you there lyin' in the snow, you must be half-numb."

I took the bottle and took an experimental swallow. Even almost-frozen, it burned a path down my throat and deep into my belly, leaving me coughing. He chuckled. I drank again.

"Hey, you're a siren!" he exclaimed as if he was just now noticing the swirling blue tattoos decorating my exposed skin. "I know a siren, you've probably met her."

"Lilith," I replied. As my body warmed, my teeth started chattering and I started to shiver uncontrollably.

"Here," he said, leaning over me and pressing a blanket around my shoulders.

"I'll w-warm up f-faster with my c-clothes off." My bodysuit and pants were soaked from where my body heat had melted the snow against them.

"Sure," he said and politely turned his back while I stripped completely naked.

I tucked the blanket firmly around myself with just one arm sticking out. "I'm d-done."

He handed me the bottle and I drank again. "Why were you lyin' in the snow, anyway? I bet it seems like a real bad decision right about now."

Warmth was beginning to creep in and my teeth stopped chattering. I shrugged. Why had I been lying in the snow? _I'd wanted to impress you._ I'd seen an old wanted poster of his tacked to the wall in the Crimson Raiders headquarters, and I'd immediately been intrigued. He was so different than the men I was used to, even the others I'd forced into friendship with by circumstance and Handsome Jack.

I took another drink of the foul liquid. Between it and the fire, I was almost a reasonable temperature again. "Yeah, it does seem a little silly now."

"Hungry?" He held out the remains of cooked something and I shook my head.

"No, thank you," I declined politely. I handed the bottle back. "Roland said you had some intel."

"There's a train that runs past here. There's gonna be one tomorrow that'll have what you're looking for on it." He raised the bottle to his mouth and took a long swig.

I watched him work the liquid down his throat, almost entranced by the way his Adam's apple moved as he swallowed. He wiped his lips off with the back of his gloved hand and then caught me staring. "Ah shit," he swore softly.

_Way to go, Maya. Creep him out._ I looked away and cleared my throat as I drew the exposed arm back in the blanket with me to hug my knees.

He gestured to his bird, and the bird seemed to give him a dirty look before flying out the thin doorway and up to the roof above.

He squatted down in front of me and waited until I was looking into his face before pulling the goggles up and off of his head. He set them down gently on the floor beside him, furthest away from the fire. One glove came off, and then the other one.

I huddled in my blanket watching him, not moving, hardly daring to breathe.

His hand came out and his finger traced the tattoo where the blanket left my neck exposed. I shivered again, and it wasn't the cold this time.

His finger followed the tattoos and his dark eyes followed his finger. He pushed the blanket away as he traced down over my shoulder, across my collarbone, down the side of my breast. He paused there, eyes lingering on my naked flesh, then continued down my side, down my hip to where my backside met the floor.

"They really do go all the way down," he marveled quietly, almost to himself, before shifting forward until he was kneeling between my knees.

His arms went to either side of me, hands bracing himself on the floor, and he leaned forward until my skin met the rough fabric of his clothes. He kept going and I eased myself backwards to the floor under his weight.

His mouth covered mine and a thrill of electricity moved straight down to my belly. My lips parted under his and his tongue tangled with mine.

My hands moved on his back, trying to get under to impossible number of layers he was wearing. I needed the feel of his skin against mine.

He leaned back so he was kneeling again and started pulling off his own clothes. I watched, silently urging him faster.

"You're so warm," he murmured to me as he settled on top of me...

* * *

"Did you get in touch with my man out there?" Roland asked.

I looked at the man softly snoring next to me, his hand draped possessively over my hip. "I did."


	3. Axton and Roland

Axton couldn't help but admire the other man. Military, a soldier; he'd been on the front lines with his turret. _Just like me_.

He could sense the tension between the the other man and the woman he was speaking to. She had called him her boyfriend, though she'd been quick to correct that to ex-boyfriend. _If only I could be so lucky._

She was pretty, a siren like Maya, but it was hard to see past the soldier's muscled forearms to look at her anymore. Forearms attached to large hands... _I'd love to see those hands a little closer, maybe on my hips, my thighs..._

He was a little older... Axton's eyes traced the lines on the other man's angular face and lingered on the full lips contained there as they moved in conversation._ I can almost feel those lips on mine, on my chest, my belly, my-_

He felt a nudge in his ribs, breaking him out of his reverie. "She's cute, isn't she," Maya addressed him softly, and he realized he'd been staring.

Axton straightened, almost coming to attention before he remembered that he would never need to stand at attention again. _Unless _he_ asked me to._ "Beautiful," he murmured, not taking his eyes off of the man in front of him.


	4. Lilith and Mister Torgue

**A/N: I wanted to do more with Mister Torgue *heart* and didn't want to set it in a space-truck, so I came up with this. Enjoy. Or... Not. ;)**

* * *

I was sitting at the bar at Moxxi's. Technically Moxxi's was closed while she was sleeping, but she'd let me in for a drink. She'd known I'd been having a rough day. Day, hell. Month.

It was nice and quiet in the bar. Peaceful. No one was asking me to make decisions or arguing with me about how horrible my decisions were.

_"__HI THERE."_ I jumped, startled. I knew that voice. I turned toward the owner of the voice- a shirtless hulk of a man with sunglasses, gold chains, a red bandana and bulging muscles. He was "whispering," but his whisper was still the same volume as a normal person's speaking voice. Probably even a little louder. "_YOU MUST BE LILITH! YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE._"

"Hi, Mister Torgue," I greeted him. "Hey, sorry about all that geek stuff." I still felt a little bad.

"_DON'T MENTION IT._" He came and sat on the stool next to me. _"IS MOXXI SLEEPING?"_ I was almost positive the stool was going to break underneath him.

"Yeah."

_"_(bleep)."I watched him for a moment, then looked down at where I was tracing patterns on the bartop with my finger. So...

"_THIS IS AWKWARD AS _(bleep)," he said, voicing what I'd just been thinking.

I nodded. I noticed he was watching me. Yeah. Definitely awkward. It was probably the booze talking, but I was very aware of him sitting there and watching me. With all of my friends hooking up lately, my body was starting to realize how long it had been since it had any attention. This was part of the reason I'd been sitting there, drinking.

I picked up my bottle and desperately took another drink in an effort to quell my hormones.

"_DO YOU WORK OUT? YOU LOOK A LITTLE SOFT AROUND YOUR ABS._"

I glared at him. "I don't know if you've heard, but I'm the most powerful siren alive. I liquify people. Working out isn't exactly a priority."

"_THAT'S BADASS,_" he whisper-shouted in approval. "_YOU SHOULD STILL WORK OUT. PHYSICAL FITNESS IS IMPORTANT, YEEEEEEEEEEAH!_" He started one of his 'guitar solos.' Only whispered.

I was starting to get a headache. I didn't know how much longer I could take this, and I didn't just mean the super-loud whispering. I should probably go home and spend the next few hours tossing and turning and daydreaming about sex until it was time to get up for the day.

"What would you recommend?" I asked against my better judgment. No, Lilith. Get off the stool and go.

"_DO SOME_ (bleep)_ING CRUNCHES! THIS AREA RIGHT IN HERE LOOKS A LITTLE SOFT._" He grabbed my hand and put it on my abdomen for just a second, then placed it against his. "_DO YOU FEEL THE DIFFERENCE?_"

I certainly did. I thought I could grate cheese on his abs. "Yes," I said faintly. I could practically smell the testosterone. I had a sudden image of licking my way down those same abs...

"_MY BACK MUSCLES ARE SO RIPPED YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!_"

I slid off my stool and moved around behind him and touched his back. I didn't say anything, not really trusting myself to speak. My hormones were all, "GET SOME!" and my mind was telling me to get the hell out of there before I did something I would probably regret. He smelled amazing, like sweat and oil and explosions. I sat down again and tried to ignore his testosterone and my desperate hormones, but I kept stealing glances at him.

_"__OOOOOOOOOH, SEXUAL TENSION!"_

So he'd noticed. Great.

I got up again. "I should go home," I said lamely. I wasn't exactly sure what happened next. I went to walk by him and my foot caught on his stool and I was hurtling toward the floor and then I wasn't. Instead I was sitting on the bar counter and he was nipping softly at my neck.

One of his hands was on my knee and it rose slowly along my leg, higher and higher. "_YOUR THIGHS ARE _(bleep)_ING AWESOME._"

I was going to be deaf by the time we were done, but as long as he kept kissing the side of my neck, I didn't really care. He pulled back for just a second so he could lift my top over my head. "_YOUR PECS ARE _(bleep)_ING AMAZING. I WANT TO _(bleep) _THEM WITH MY _(bleep) (bleep) _AND _(bleep) _IN THE _(bleep) (bleep) _UNTIL YOU _(bleep) (bleep) _ALL NIGHT LONG._"

I had no idea what he was saying, but I did have a great rack, I thought smugly and arched my back a little to push my boobs towards him.

His hands covered my entire back. "_MY_ (bleep) _IS SO HARD RIGHT NOW._"

I could tell. I leaned forward and kissed his shoulder and then neither one of us were wearing any pants.

* * *

"Wake up, sugar," I heard a voice say softly.

"Mmmf," I said and tried to pull my blanket over my head.

I had no blanket.

I was naked.

I was lying on top of Moxxi's bar.

"Your choice, sugar," she said and I could hear the laughter in her sultry voice. "But I'm going to open soon, so unless you want the entire population of Sanctuary seeing all of your 'assets'..."

My eyes snapped open. I was awake. I wasn't sure exactly how I'd managed not to fall off the bar while I was sleeping.

I sat up slowly and swung my legs down. Mister Torgue was gone. Where were my clothes?

Moxxi handed them to me and I got dressed silently. "Thanks, Moxxi. Sorry." I gestured to the bar.

"For what, sugar? Not the first time this bar's been fucked on, but I do have to insist that you clean up after yourself." She handed me a rag and she sauntered over to unlock and open first the door by the bar, and then the door at the opposite end of the room.

I wiped down the entire bar. "Does he have a key?" I muttered out loud. I knew she'd locked the doors the night before.

"Sure does, sugar. He and I have a business arrangement. Plus he's good in the sack, though I don't guess I have to tell you that." She gave me a saucy wink.

"Where, ah, where should I put this?" I gestured to the cloth.

She pointed to a pile of dirty rags behind the bar and I tossed it on top before slipping outside and walking through the morning sunshine to the Crimson Raiders HQ. I was a little surprised that my head didn't have even a trace of the pounding headache a hangover would bring.

Everyone was up. The streets were already filled with people starting their day, and all of my friends were already in the war room. That was a little odd. It was still early, judging by the shadows in the street, and usually only Maya and Axton were up that early.

"Morning," I said slowly, wondering what was up.

"He gets... Louder during sex, doesn't he?" Maya said innocently.

I groaned.


	5. Ellie and Brick

**A/N: As suggested... Ellie! (Thank you!)**

* * *

"I know what yer tryin' to do, Jack, an' I ain't havin' it," I snapped at him. Why was I still on the ECHO with the bastard? I could just turn it off and he could just talk to himself or whatever it was he did.

"Opportunity needs you, Ellie," he wheedled and I rolled my eyes at him. "You'd have access to the best tools money can buy. And me," he added, and I could hear the disgust in his voice. He wasn't near as good a liar as he thought he was.

"Yer just sore since Ma kicked yer ass out an' you think gettin' with me will get back at her. I ain't stupid, and yer a pussy!" I did shut off the ECHO then and tossed it angrily onto my workbench.

I sighed. I shoulda shut it off as soon as I knew it was him. It just got so lonely...

I turned around and saw a familiar large man standing in the door. "Hey cutie," I greeted.

"Hey, Slab!" he called back, and I shook my head.

"Unh uh with that 'slab' nonsense," I snapped at him. "I have a name an' you'll use it or you'll go somewhere else."

"Sorry, Ellie," he replied meekly and ducked his head.

"That's better." I leaned over to look at the car that was sitting up on my lift. "What can I do ya for?"

He didn't answer right away and when I looked up, I saw his eyes were lost in my tits. I snorted. I did have a kick-ass rack. "Up here, cutie," I said, pointing to my eyes. I rubbed my cheeks and hid my smile behind my hand. He sure did know how to make a woman feel appreciated, especially after that Jack-ass...

His eyes snapped up to mine. "Just lonely, I guess. Did you know there are no lady-bandits?"

"I had noticed. I think we all just have too much sense. Yellin' and carryin' on like that..." I snorted again and straightened, then offered him a can of beer from my toolbelt.

He walked over to take it and opened it. "Thanks, Ellie." He sat down on the edge of the raised part of my shop that had the vending machines.

I went over and joined him. I couldn't reach to sit down, so I leaned my backside against it and opened my own beer.

"How's business?" he asked after a time.

I shrugged. "Been usin' my crusher more 'n my hydraulics, but it ain't been so bad."

"I should get you to rig me up somethin' for initiation."

"We could work some'n' out, just lemme know." We sat and drank for a time. "Why you keep comin' out here anyway?" I asked finally. "Lilith's got bandits 'n' all that an' it sure ain't this hot."

He finished the end of his beer in one long swallow and put the empty can on the concrete beside him. He came out about once a week. We sat, we drank warm beer, and then he went back to Thousand Cuts.

"I sure 'preciate the company an' all," I said when he still hadn't said anything.

"You're the only woman I've ever met that I don't think I'd snap in half."

"I'd like to see ya try-" I snickered, then stopped. "You hittin' on me, cutie?"

He was looking right at me and he had _that_ look on his face, the one that said he wanted in my coveralls.

"Why doncha come upstairs with me an' we'll test out the new hydraulics on my bed."


	6. Maya and Brick

**A/N: Alright. Spoilers for "After Jack." Kinda. If you want to read both, you may want to go read that first.  
I was trying to write this scene and I ran into some difficulty. After whining about it on the forums, I was inspired to write... This. (Thanks, pestilentDOTdefiler 'cause it won't let me actually type your name ;) )**

* * *

"Slab!" Brick's voice boomed from my ECHO and I picked it up.

"Yeah, Brick," I acknowledged, rubbing my eyes. I'd been reading about sirens- Angel- again and I was about ready for a break anyway.

"Come to Thousand Cuts, Slab."

I opened my mouth to ask why, but he'd closed the connection. I sighed and stretched. Gun? No gun? Always better to travel with a gun. I got my gear together and headed out to the Fast Travel station. Within seconds I was standing on the dirt of Thousand Cuts.

Slab-Town was conspicuously empty as I picked my way through the mounds of scrap and garbage to the big building Brick called home.

"Up here, Slab," he called down from where he was perched on his throne.

I sighed and headed up the stairs to him, stopping a few feet away to look up at him. Seated there he was taller than I was.

He motioned me closer. "Come here, girl," he instructed, crooking a finger at me. That's exactly what he'd said when he kissed me all that time ago. I felt the familiar jolt in my belly that always seemed to happen whenever I thought about him... "Closer."

I stopped right in front of his feet and quicker than you might think a man that large could move, he'd grabbed me and hauled me up into his lap.

I licked my lips nervously. I didn't know where this was going- oh, hell, yes I did. I'd seen that look in his eyes exactly one time before. And before I'd really realized what had happened, my guns and shield were gone... Somewhere.

I was looking up into his face and he lowered his head to mine, exactly as he'd done that one other time he'd kissed me. The kiss was less desperate, but his mouth was still rough, demanding.

His lips left mine and he shifted me in his lap until I was straddling his waist, my feet tucked under my legs. He kissed me again, parting my mouth under his and our tongues met. I closed my eyes, a soft moan escaping me. I felt his hands moving feverishly against my back and then he lifted his head. "Uh, Maya?" he asked.

"Yes?" I murmured as I leaned forward to explore the hollow just above his collarbone with my tongue.

"Nothing." His hands slid down the sides of my body and right hand brushed my bare hip. I moaned in approval, but my moan quickly turned into a sharp hiss as his hands closed on the fabric of my top and pulled up.

"Ow! Hey!" I pulled back from him, the feeling between my thighs decidedly unpleasant.

"It doesn't just come off, huh?" he asked sheepishly. "Sorry."

"No, it's attached at the bottom. It's a bodysuit. Pants have to come off first."

"Do you want to..."

I slid off his lap and bent over to take my ankle-high boots off. "I'll just be a second." Boots came off, then I gave him a seductive look as I undid my belt. He'd been drumming his fingers impatiently and he stopped when he caught the look in my eyes.

I pulled the belt slowly out and tossed it casually aside. His eyes were on my fingers as I undid my pants and slid them slowly down my hips.

"Fuck," I swore. I'd forgotten to undo the straps around the bottom of my calves. I lifted the waist of my pants back up with one hand and started searching for the straps in the bunched up fabric with the other.

"Uh, Maya?"

"Just a second, Brick. I forgot the damn straps." I undid the straps on my left leg first, and lifted my foot delicately out. The right one followed, but the bottom strap didn't completely come off and I felt myself start to lose my balance. I hopped on my left foot, right foot up so I could get the strap undone. Finally it came off and I let the pants pool on the floor.

I pulled myself back into Brick's lap, straddling him again, and my mouth met his. I sucked his lower lip gently into my mouth and he groaned, hands moving eagerly over my torso. His fingers brushed the bottom edge of the cutout over my chest and he eased away from the kiss. "So how does this come off?"

"The top part pulls over my head and then I kinda have to wriggle out-" I sat back on his knees and sighed. "This isn't really working out the way I wanted."

"Yeah." I could see the frustration on face.

"Why don't I go bake us some cookies and we can try again later and I'll already be naked."

"What kind of cookies?" he asked.

"What kind do you want?"

"Oatmeal. No raisins, though."


	7. Axton and Zer0

**A/N: As suggested, Axton and Zer0! This was a challenge for me because it got me out of my neat little head-canon box, so thank you!**

* * *

It was the voice that got me. He was a little skinnier than I usually liked my men, or at least that's what I assumed. I'd never actually seen his body. Or his face, for that matter. His armor fit his body like it was molded to him and there were no visible seams. I don't even think he ever took it off. Gaige had asked him one time what he looked like and he'd answered something about being a killer, too deadly to look at.

We were paired up together. The six of us had split up and Maya had decided that our skills would work well together. While everyone was looking at my turret, he could appear behind them and put his sword through them.

We were driving through the Highlands, he was in the driver's seat and I was sitting beside him, watching him out of the corner of my eye. We didn't talk, he wasn't real big on casual conversation. He braked the car and I sprang out, firing my assault rifle at Hyperion's wall-mounted turret.

It was the voice that got me. Smooth as a bullet, sharp as a knife. He always sounded just a little like he was mocking you when he spoke. Watching him move in and out of combat, taunting his foes always got me more than a little hard. Everyone likes a badass.

We stormed the Hyperion base. Dr. Tannis needed one of her ECHO logs that she'd stashed in there, and the people of Overlook wanted us to test the mortar on them to ensure they were safe from attack from the Moon Base. We'd helped build the shield and I was confident it would hold. Anything to stop Hyperion's reach on Pandora.

I had to admire him as he disappeared, leaving the loader to attack his hologram while he reappeared behind it and ran his sword right through its mechanical body. The scene replayed over and over. My turret took their attention and he took their existence. We were a good team.

We hit the bar that night. I drank and ate my fill. He touched neither food nor drink, he never did. He sat by my side in silence while I ate.

We'd killed a lot of Hyperion that day. Killing always made me feel alive, and feeling alive always made me horny. I wanted to fuck or be fucked. I probably could have charmed my way into Gaige's skirt or Maya's tight pants after the rush of the day, but I was stuck out in the middle of the Highlands with a four-fingered man completely encased in body-armor. Was he even a man?

I pictured him as a man. I pictured him with long, pale limbs... He would appear just behind me, that smooth voice asking if I needed a hand, the long, flexible fingers that wrapped around the hilt of his sword, running down over my belly toward my...

I knew he was in the room next to mine. I was so hard it hurt. I groaned in frustration as my hand settled on my straining flesh. The door opened and I froze. I could see the red question mark light up on his helmet, and then a heart.

"The battle makes you/eager for a sweet release/let me help you out."

It was the voice that got me.


	8. Sir Hammerlock and Dr Zed

**A/N: Another suggestion, thank you! :D Entirely from Moxxi's POV.**

* * *

There wasn't much to do in Sanctuary but drink and fuck, and everyone came to my bar for both. To be fair, most of the fucking didn't actually happen _in_ my bar, but that's sure where most of it started. And I always knew.

It was a talent I had. I knew, for example, that despite Maya's outward protestations, she was likely to end the night with her legs over Salvador's shoulders. I knew that Brick was well on his way to winning the bet he'd made with Mordecai and ending up in between Gaige's slim thighs. I knew that Axton and Lilith, seated on opposite sides of the bar and refusing to look at each other, had gotten entirely too drunk the night before and were desperately trying to remember what they had done. I knew, of course- I'd seen most of it and heard the rest of it- but I wasn't just going to volunteer the information for nothing. It had been quite a shock for both of them to wake up naked on my roof.

And I knew when friendship turned into something more.

Sir Hammerlock was a dear friend of mine with terrible taste in men. He was, perhaps, the only man in Sanctuary who didn't want in my skirt, and I loved him for it. He'd lost his last boyfriend to a particularly large stalker, poor dear, and hadn't been able to make a connection since.

Axton preferred his bed partners a little younger and more conventionally attractive- he was pretty and just a bit shallow. Mister Torgue didn't think the scholarly gentleman was "badass" enough, despite the older hunter having lost half his limbs and an eye to a particularly angry thresher.

Still, though, I was a little surprised that things ended up the way they did. It seemed like almost an accident. Dr. Zed was sitting at a booth and drinking. He'd made some inane comment about the weather, and Hammerlock had answered. They'd ended up sitting and drinking together, talking about this and that. Hammerlock's cultured tones and Zed's drawl; they'd seemed so opposite. Well, you know what they say about opposites.

It became a nightly thing, those drinks. Sometimes they would talk about what was going on in Sanctuary. Sometimes they would talk about their previous lives. Sometimes they wouldn't talk at all. That's when it started. Sitting in a comfortable silence with someone, without the need to fill the air between you with words, that's something special.

Talking became touching- lingering motions that were just a little too long to be innocent. A hand on an arm or a shoulder, "accidentally" brushing against the other man as they passed.

The night that the silence became a little uncomfortable again, I knew. They didn't know yet, but I sure did.

The bar emptied as the night wore on. Maya left with a quick glance around. The Truxican finished his drink, slammed his empty glass on the bar and left a few minutes later. They thought they were being sly, but they weren't fooling anyone.

Lilith passed by Axton on her way out. She stopped and opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but then closed it and continued out. Axton left shortly after. They were both in for long, lonely nights.

Gaige shrieked with laughter as Brick picked her up and tossed her onto his shoulder before striding out, into the night.

The two men had played a game of darts. I didn't catch who won, but it didn't really matter. They were sitting together one on of my battered couches and I was pretending I couldn't hear every word they said.

Their lips met in a soft, hesitant kiss, and I had to smile. This was more than just a fling, more than just passing the time together.

"I ain't never done this with another man before," the doctor said nervously.

"That's alright," my dear friend reassured him. "We'll go as slowly as you need to."

I had a speck of dust in my eye, I discovered as I turned away and gave them some privacy.


	9. Maya and Krieg

**A/N: As suggested, Maya and Krieg! I will probably write a part 2 at some point in the nearish future. I struggled a bit with Krieg because I didn't want to recycle too much game material, but he is tough to write, yo.  
**

* * *

I was sitting on a bunk, cleaning my Maliwan SMG. I'd used it a lot that day. We'd spent some time walking around the Caustic Caverns and some of the highly corrosive acid that everything down there seemed to produce had gotten on my gun.

There was a bit of a disturbance downstairs. "What are you-?" I heard Tannis start angrily. Seconds later, Krieg burst up the stairs. He stared at me for a bit, not saying anything.

"Hi, Krieg," I greeted mildly. What was going on?

"PRESENTS FOR THE WAR-MAKER!" he roared at me. After another moment of staring at me out of the one eye, he went to the square table we used for eating and dropped something on it. He turned and left as suddenly as he came and I was again alone with my gun.

Well, hopefully alone. "Thank you?" I called after him. I watched the table. Knowing Krieg, it could have been anything. I couldn't make it out from where I was. It didn't move, whatever it was. That was a good sign, right? Gripping my gun in front of me, I stood up and warily walked over to the table.

Ammo. There were three full SMG clips sitting on the table. I had to smile when I picked them up. He was rough and didn't make a whole lot of sense most of the time... But he'd saved my life when I first met him. I hesitated to use a word like "sweet" to describe such a man, but he was the most selfless person I'd ever met. It seemed a little strange comparing a bloodthirsty, psychotic killer to the Brothers who'd raised me- and have the killer win the contest of generosity of spirit.

I pocketed the ammo and sat back down to clean my gun. After a short time, I sighed and put it down. It was about as good as it was going to get. Hopefully I'd be able to find a new one soon, anyway. I tucked it under the bunk and lay back to read. Pandora was, well, a shithole quite frankly, and reading allowed me to escape from the stink, the heat, at least just for a while. I was so engrossed in my book that a sudden loud thud made me jump and yelp. I looked around frantically, hand going to my weapon, then saw the source of the noise and relaxed.

Krieg again, dumping something else on the table. The scent of burnt flesh filled my nostrils. He was watching me expectantly. I got up and went over to see what he'd brought me. Skag, by the shape of it, and charred to a crisp. At least it was cooked? "Nipple salads!" he explained helpfully.

He settled himself on the table and it squeaked in protest. He was watching me expectantly. Maybe if I sat with him, I wouldn't have to try and eat any of... _that_. I got up and went to sit on the other side of the blackened skag. "Thank you."

He grunted. We sat in silence, I stared at the floor in front of my dangling feet. I could feel the weight of his gaze on me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his hand slowly moving toward me. I watched, almost hypnotized, until his hand settled on my thigh. His hand was almost uncomfortably warm through my pants. He ran a few degrees hotter than most people did, I didn't know if it was a result of whatever had been done to him to make him like this, or if it was just the way he was.

Suddenly he jumped off the table. He came to stand in front of me. His single eye flicked back and forth between mine, the intensity almost unbearable. The same hand that had rested on my leg was now moving toward my face. "Shut up shut up SHUT UP!" he yelled, hand frozen about an inch away from my skin, and he ran toward the open balcony. I heard the thud and accompanying grunt as he landed in the street below.

That had been... Odd.

* * *

I slumped down tiredly beside the Fast-Travel station. I wanted a long soak in the tub. I was going to get three minutes under an unreliable shower head, and I would be grateful for even that. I was sitting in Overlook, waiting for everyone to get their stuff together so we could go the hell home.

Axton settled himself down next to me. He had _that_ look on his face. "Sweetheart," he greeted. "All your dreams are about to come true."

"Are they?" I asked, lifting an eyebrow at him. The cockiness was just a little charming, I had to admit.

"First we're gonna get dinner. Then I'm gonna give you the grand tour of this little shack I found over by the bridge. I don't want to spoil it for you, but there are shelves. And a bed."

I had to laugh. Dinner didn't sound so bad. The rest of it, well... Axton was a very attractive man. It certainly wouldn't be a hardship to distract myself for an evening with his company. And yet, I found myself thinking of the last dinner that had been offered to me. I hadn't eaten any of it, of course, and the smell had been atrocious... I'd disposed of it as soon as he'd left, but Tannis had complained for days about the lingering smell in her lab.

"No thanks," I found myself saying.

"Suit yourself. If you change your mind, though, I'll be over there, trying to figure out how much of you those tattoos cover."

What had happened that afternoon with Krieg? He hadn't approached me since that one day, but I couldn't get the encounter out of my head. He'd touched me for all of 30 seconds and then yelled- not at me, I didn't think. And then... Nothing.

"The rain will flood their pain away!" he announced loudly, startling me out of my thoughts.

"I... what?" I asked, looking up at him. He was looming over me. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet "What?" I repeated. One thing that I'd noticed about Krieg was that he wasn't really big on touching people. He used his hands to kill. He'd touched me that one time before, and I'd never seen him casually touch anyone else.

Krieg had turned and taken a few steps away and was staring at me expectantly. "There's a light at the end." He sounded vaguely menacing.

I exchanged a look with Axton. "I'll, uh... I think he wants me to go with him. I'll ECHO."

I shook my head and followed him. Krieg led me a short way through the grass out of town and then abruptly turned up into the hills. I could hear him muttering to himself.

"Smell the rain!" he announced to me after a while, and I could hear what he was talking about just a couple seconds before I could see it. There was a small waterfall running down the side of the hill. There was a pool collecting the runoff directly below it, the water clear and sparkling in Pandora's bright sunlight. He loped over to it and sat down right under the falling water and I had to laugh.

I walked over and joined him, tossing my guns and my shield generator on the dry rock before slipping under the cascade of water. It was cool, but not unpleasantly cold. Certainly no colder than the showers I'd been stuck with in Sanctuary. When I sat down, the water only reached the middle of my hips. I turned my face up to let the water wash over it, and then sat forward a bit so it went down my back. "Thank you," I told him. He was staring off into the distance and he didn't answer.

We sat there for a while, and I let my feet float in the small pool. It was going to be a bitch to get my boots off later, but just in this moment, it was heaven. I felt his hand in the water on my outside hip, urging me closer. I looked over at him and he wasn't looking at me. "Can't hurt the angel," he muttered and his voice sounded almost... normal.

I rested my head against his shoulder and he stiffened like he hadn't been expecting that. After a moment, he relaxed and his other hand came over and rested gently on my thigh, almost scalding compared to the cool water flowing over us.

Somehow, I got the feeling that I wasn't the one that needed to worry about being hurt.


	10. Moxxi and Salvador

**A/N: In After Jack, Sal and Moxxi totally hook up. So... This is the story about a lovely lady? And a something-something-something-Truxican.  
TOTALLY take suggestions.**

* * *

I watched her take the beer out of my bar and shook my head in sympathy. Poor kid. She was still so young, too young to be in a place like this. I did my best to keep an eye out for her, as much as I could. She was a sweet girl, just so young and naïve, especially on a planet like Pandora.

Ah, and there came her the source of her problems. I had no doubt that the pretty-faced commando was quite a talented lover, when he was sober enough to actually use that talent instead of just showing up and relying on his looks to get him through the night.

"What can I get you, sugar?" I asked as he sat down at the bar, a decidedly sour look on his face.

"Rakk ale," he almost grunted. His ego was so big it threatened to explode the roof off my joint, and it was hurting.

I pulled out a bottle of rakk ale and slid it over to him. "Anything else I can help you with?" I purred at him. Need to get the tips somehow.

He looked at me, his eyes getting lost in my considerable cleavage for a moment before pulling themselves almost reluctantly to my face. "What's the deal with Gaige, Moxxi? She's been avoidin' me... I know you talk to her."

"Sure do, sugar. She had a bad night with a gentleman a few nights ago, poor kid, and she's just not feeling terribly social." I knew it was him, and he knew I knew it was him.

He flushed and gave his alcohol a hard look. "I don't even remember what happened," he muttered.

I gave him a measuring look, deciding what to say. "If a man wanted to make it up with me for his rather lacking performance, he might want to start with more romance and less booze."

He took a long swallow. "Thanks, Moxxi."

"Anytime, sugar."

The Truxican walked in and slapped Axton rather enthusiastically on the back, causing the commando to lose his mouthful of rakk ale all over my bar. "Axton!" he greeted with his usual cheer. I had to smile. He was not a newcomer to Pandora. He'd grown up here, just like me. The heat, the smell, the life... It didn't phase him.

"Sorry, Senorita Moxxi."

"Not the first time it's been all wet back here," I said with a wink and grabbed a rag to wipe it up. He laughed, loud and uninhibited and I had to chuckle as well. There was a man who lived life and loved life. And had a nice ass, I noted with some satisfaction as he settled himself in a seat beside the sullen commando.

Axton got up and walked out, sliding me enough money to cover the booze and a hefty tip. I picked it up and tucked it away in my cleavage. I noticed Salvador's eyes watching my movements and stuck out my tits, just a little.

"What's with him?" he asked me, unashamedly staring at my generous breasts.

"He's having a _hard_ time right now. Girl troubles." The innuendo was second nature by now. I'd been doing the bar thing for a long time- longer than I cared to think about. I knew how to squeeze the most I could out of my patrons.

He spent most of his time in my bar, lately. Usually by himself. He'd nurse a drink or two for the length of his visit, just sitting and chatting with me and staring at my tits. He was usually there until I closed the bar to sleep, and then came back the next day. He was a sweet man. Quick to laugh, generous, and that ass...

I was starting to look forward to his nightly presence. I was lonely as hell. Not for sex, not really, I could have ECHO'd any one of a number of people and they'd show up in my bar to give me a hand, as it were.

"What about you?" I asked him later that night, leaning forward on the bar to give him a better view. He was the only one in there, and I was going to close up for the night soon. "You've been here an awful lot lately, why haven't you found some sweet thing to close out the night with?"

He looked up from my cleavage to my eyes, his face the most serious I'd ever seen it. "I do not..." he hesitated for a moment, as if searching for the right words. "Function as a man," he finally finished.

There was very little that shocked me anymore, but I had not expected that one.

"The senoritas, they want a man who will work hard all day and play all night. I can't play."

"There's more to it than just sex, sugar. What about talkin' and cuddlin' up under the stars?" That. That's what I missed the most. Sex is nice, and great sex is great, but I was starting to get to the point in my life where I just wanted someone to come home to at the end of the day. Someone to ask me how my day was and tell me about theirs. Someone to cook with and watch the god-awful shows they showed on the ECHOnet late at night with.

"I talk with you, Senorita Moxxi," he replied with a grin and I had to smile.

I watched him for a moment, appreciating the frank openness. There wasn't a whole lot of that left, anymore. "I'm gonna close up, sugar. Come upstairs with me and we can watch the stars up on the roof."


	11. Gaige and Brick

**A/N: Crackfic. I make no apologies.**

* * *

"Going somewhere, amigo?" came Mordecai's soft voice from the shadows.

Brick turned to see his friend sitting at the table, leaned back with his feet crossed on it. There was a bottle of rakk ale in his hand, of course. In his hurry to leave, he hadn't seen the other man. He was already running late. "Uh, yes." He shoved the satchel behind him, hoping Mordecai hadn't caught sight of what was inside.

"I heard a certain giggle from your ECHO this morning," Mordecai continued, then took a long drink from his bottle.

Brick dropped his head. How was he going to explain this one? Gaige had insisted that he keep it a secret. "Just... Just gonna go meet Gaige."

Mordecai chuckled and raised his bottle in toast. "You've been spending a lot of time with her. Good for you. She's a bit young- great legs, though."

_Oh shit_. Mordecai knew? That was... a bit of a relief, actually. All this sneaking around just felt wrong. Brick nodded. "Yeah. She's a lot stronger than she looks. Flexible too, you should see her."

The hunter stared for a minute. "Say what?"

Brick nodded again, more enthusiastically this time. "Yeah. She really gets flying. She's so light, man, it's amazing."

"She's good, then?"

Brick nodded again, starting to resemble one of Marcus' bobble-heads. "She's real good. It's great exercise, too. You should try it out, Mordy. Sober, though. Yeah, be sober."

"You think she'd go for that?"

"Yeah! I mean, at least until you knew what you were doin'. I bet she could talk Maya into doin' it with you, she's real good at talking people into things." He looked a little sheepish. "I didn't want to at first, but she showed me some ECHOcasts."

"Gaige has ECHOcasts?" The hunter chuckled knowingly. He'd clearly misjudged the girl. "Maybe we could compare collections." And Maya, too? The day was really starting to look up, and it had barely just begun.

"You watch cheerleading too?" This was the best! He'd been worried Mordecai would make fun of him, but if the hunter was already into it...

"What?"

"What?"

"_Cheerleading_, Brick?" Mordecai started laughing. He doubled over and slammed the bottle down on the table, laughing so hard he was fighting for air.

"Yeah, I toss her up in the air and she does flips and stuff." The large man paused. "What did you think I was talking about?"


	12. Gaige and Mister Torgue

**A/N: Gaige fangirls and Mister Torgue doesn't quite know what's going on. MOAR MISTER TORGUE. Huge thank you to PD because my computer decided Mister Torgue was just too badass to spellcheck for.**

* * *

"They're not here, sugar. Besides, I don't think you want to be accused of favoritism."

"IT'S NOT (bleep)ING FAVORITISM, I'M CHECKING ON ONE OF MY (bleep)ING SPONSORS WHO GOT (bleep)ING KIDNAPPED."

Moxxi gave a knowing chuckle and shook her head. She saw right through him. "You could check back later."

"Mister TORGUE?" Gaige's excited squeal came from the doorway. She'd just walked in from "training" with Tina and she'd been looking forward to a nice, cool drink. Until she saw... _him_. "Mister Torgue FLEXINGTON?" She knew EXACTLY who he was. She'd never met him before and him here right now, standing in front of her in the bar, obviously that meant her life was about to change into something a just little more badass. She was so excited she thought she would explode from the sheer badassery.

The muscled host turned towards the much smaller girl. "THAT'S RIGHT."

"Oh. My. GOD. You are my HUGEST hero. I studied you in school and how you started your own company and you developed your own bullets and EVERYTHING EXPLODES!" She bounced through the Badass Crater Bar until she was right in front of him, looking up at him with an excited, enraptured grin on her face. "You're even more badass than I imagined you would be!"

He seemed a little taken aback at her unabashed enthusiasm. "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?"

"Oh, that. I cut it off so I could put Deathtrap in it. Wanna see?" She didn't bother waiting for a response; with a wave of her arm, Deathtrap digistructed in front of her. "He explodes people too," she said proudly.

Mister Torgue looked at the robot approvingly. "THAT'S SO (bleep)ING BADASS!"

Gaige was so happy she thought she was going to float right up to the ceiling. He liked Deathtrap! He was WAY more awesome than she'd previously thought, if that was even possible.

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY SPACE-TRUCK?"

"Seriously? YES!"

"He is in for a world of trouble," Moxxi murmured to herself.

Gaige bounced happily along beside her hero as they went back out of the bar, all ideas of a cool drink completely gone. She stopped and stared when the door opened, admitting them into the parking lot. "Holy SHIT!" she exclaimed.

The "space-truck" was only a truck in the loosest sense of the word. It had four wheels that Gaige was sure were just about as big as she was, a door and some windows, and that was where the resemblance to a vehicle of any kind ended.

The door swung open and a ladder descended. Gaige all but skipped over to it. She climbed eagerly up, through the waiting door, and after a moment's hesitation, Mister Torgue followed her.

Inside was a small carpeted room with driving controls at one end and a door partially obscured by a beaded curtain on the other. It was all done up in Torgue colors, the ceiling an almost dizzying black and white check. Although that could have just been the girl forgetting to breathe out of sheer awe and disbelief. Gaige clapped her hands excitedly. "Are we going into space?" she asked hopefully.

"WHY THE (bleep) NOT?" He sat in the driver's seat and powered up the "truck." "MEEDLY MEEDLY MEEDLY MOWWWW!"

Gaige squealed at the sick guitar solo. She couldn't believe that she was actually there. She didn't even care about the vault anymore, there was nothing that could get more awesome than this moment _right now_.

The mechromancer drifted over to stand behind him, watching him work the controls. Pandora soon fell far below them as the space-truck rose into orbit.

And then, somehow, she was sitting across his lap. He seemed completely surprised to see her there. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE (bleep) IS GOING ON," he said.

"Yeah," Gaige breathed in agreement, staring up into his face, something akin to adoration in her eyes.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Kissing your pecs. You're incredibly ripped." She trailed her lips down his body and slid to the floor between his knees.

Sweat broke out over the large man's forehead and upper body as he tried to concentrate on driving. "THAT'S MY (bleep)."

"Sure is," Gaige agreed happily, suitably impressed. "Should... Should I stop?"

"NO. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PANTS? ARE YOU MAG-OH (bleep)ING (bleep)!"

Far below, there was a bit of static on the public address system, followed by, "HOLY (bleep)! (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) MOTHER(bleep)ING (bleep)SOCKS!" and then ragged breathing. A moment later, "OH (bleep) DID I TURN ON THE-" and then it was quiet.

"What the hell was that?" Salvador asked.

Maya and Axton exchanged knowing looks and pointedly did not answer the question.


	13. Dr Tannis and Mal

**A/N: As suggested, Mal! Thank you :D Just a short one.**

* * *

"Hello, fellow human."

My heart thrilled at the now-familiar greeting. "Hello, Mal." It was easier to communicate this way. He wasn't... staring at me.

"Oh, Patricia, I want to hold you in the arms that I now have because I'm human and whisper to you about nothing consequential."

I looked up at Clork to make sure he was still asleep. Our relationship had grown stale since relocating to Sanctuary and it just got worse and worse as time passed. He barely even talked to me anymore, let alone showing me any signs of affection. But Mal... I'd discovered him one night while eavesdropping on a conversation he'd had with the short one who'd cut off her own arm. "I want that too," I whispered.

"Come out to the Eridium Blight and we can have a picnic. We'll eat tacos and drink frozen beverages and talk about what will happen to our souls when our human bodies die."

"Yes." I stole another look up at Clork, blissfully unaware as he snored away on the ceiling. "Yes, I'm ready."

I picked up a pen and wrote him a note. He deserved more than a note, but if I woke him up to tell him, he'd convince me to stay. He was so eloquent when he wanted to be and he hung onto our relationship with a fierce desperation. He truly would be better off, we both would. Phillipe had been the glue that held us all together, and Phillipe was long gone.

"I'm coming now, Mal."

"I will walk in circles in impatience and agitation until you arrive."

I turned off my ECHO and finished my note to Clork. He would understand, given enough time. I felt elated as I went out to the Fast-Travel station. I felt giddy. I felt nauseous. I couldn't even focus on my journey, there were loaders and rakk I think, but they were inconsequential, trivialities between me and my love.

He was so beautiful. "Mal!" I cried happily, getting out of my runner.

"Patricia. My heart and my pants both grow as I undress you with my eyes."

He was perfect.


	14. Lilith and Brick

**A/N: Ok, so I noticed there was a distinct lack of Brick/Lilith fanfic. (Brilith? Lick?) I was all, "I CAN DO THAT!" And then I tried to write something and it was just awkward and bad and... So then this happened. It kinda got away from me and it's horrible and I'm sorry. 4****th**** wall breaking crackfic; the premise is that the characters dictate to us writers what happens (sure feels that way sometimes).**

* * *

"Lilith!" I heard the familiar voice boom from downstairs. I was sitting on a couch, flipping through a magazine.

"Up here, Brick," I called down to him.

I heard him come up the stairs and cross over to where I was sitting, one foot tucked under me and the other on the floor. I lifted an eyebrow in greeting.

"So how are... you?" he asked after a while.

He was absolute shit at small talk. "What's up, Brick?" I asked, not bothering to look up from my magazine.

"Have you noticed how we've never... You know..."

My eyebrows drew down in a frown. "Never... What? Walked across the Dust? Howled at the moon?"

"You know. Sex?"

I finally looked up at him. Way up. He was standing slightly to my left, looming basically, head ducked down sheepishly. "Say what?"

He sighed explosively and settled himself on the couch next to me, making me shift to keep myself from crashing into him. "Well, you and Roland... Obviously."

"Obviously."

"And you and Mordecai a lot."

I ran a hand through my hair and turned until I was facing him. He was very pointedly not looking at me. "A whole lot, yeah," I said after a minute. "I've never really thought about... Yeah, like bunnies."

"Like bunnies," he agreed, sounding a little sad. "And Axton, and all the girls... Mister Torgue."

"So you've been with someone, right? Maya?" I nodded. "I remember that. Definitely Maya."

He cleared his throat. "Yes, but it was all awkward 'cause she got stuck in her clothes..."

"Hot," I deadpanned, turning back to my magazine.

"She did make me cookies."

"Didn't you have happily ever after that time, though?" I flipped the page on my magazine.

"Yeah. And Gaige once and it was a bet and it was really only implied and I never actually got to... You know." Frustrated. He sounded frustrated. "And Ellie, and maybe another time or two..."

"That doesn't sound so bad," I suggested.

"Zer0 gets more action than I do."

"Really?" I looked up at him quizzically, I'm sure he could see the disbelief on my face if he just looked over.

But he didn't. "Really."

"But you _are_ getting some." I paused. "You know. Sometimes, right?"

He let out another explosive sigh. "Yeah, but not with you, is my point. We've been friends for a long time now and you've done just about everyone else. There was one time when something started but just when it was gettin' good, I was sittin' back home." Yeah, I remembered that. "Do I smell bad? Is it the punching? It's the punching, isn't it?"

"No, I just... Never really thought about it. You. Us, I mean."

He looked up, then, looking straight into my eyes. "I am a sexual being, Lilith."

I threw my head back and laughed. When I wound down into giggles and snickers, he was still staring straight at me. I cleared my throat. "Well, then... Should we... Sex?" I asked. Now who was being awkward? I dropped my magazine on the floor and leaned back to lie on the couch. I opened my arms in invitation.

He shook his head. "The couch is too small."

"That's probably part of your problem, Brick. Maybe if there was a bed..."

A bed appeared. One of the single-sized cots you could find littered everywhere around Pandora. Brick and I scowled at it. "Gaige wouldn't even fit on that thing," I muttered. "You're over seven feet tall, Brick. Logistics."

"Huh." He folded his arms across his chest. "Not my fault."

"So what did you do with Maya? She and I are about the same height."

"Washing machine."

A washing machine appeared and I eyed it dubiously. "No." It vanished, along with the cot. I glanced over at him and he looked so disappointed. "What if you sat on the couch and I straddled you?" We were running out of options. It was either that or the floor, and the floor was... No.

"The couch is too low. My legs are angled up all high. Maybe... No." He shook his head.

"Maybe what?"

"Well, I was thinking I could bend you over the back of the couch but I'm too tall or it would tip over or something."

It was my turn to sigh. "I think we're overthinking this, Brick. There has to be something..." I sat back up and we sat in silence for a few minutes.

…

Suddenly, we were in the Wildlife Exploitation Preserve. Still sitting on the couch. There was a stream in front of us and some Hyperion crates on the other side, and off to the left was a waterfall.

"I wonder how cold the water is," I mused.

Brick got up and walked over to the stream before he stooped and put his hand in it. "It's nice. A little cool, but not cold."

"Still, though... Rocks." I had to sigh again. "At least _they're_ trying, I suppose."

"Grass!" Brick announced.

I nodded slowly. "That'll work. It looks nice and soft. Lots of room." I got to my feet and went over to him. He turned to face me. We stood, facing each other, and suddenly it was just a little awkward. "You're gonna get a crick in your neck bending down aren't you?"

"No, but there'll be a big space between us."

I rubbed my forehead and my temples with my first two fingers and my thumb. "So... Start on the ground?"

"Ok."

I walked across the stream and crouched down to pat the grass experimentally. "Not bad." I settled into a sitting position, braced on one hand with my legs tucked under me. "Come join me?"

He lumbered over and lowered himself down beside me. "If you don't want to..."

"It's not that, Brick. I've just never really thought about it before."

He put his hand on my hip and just kinda left it there for a little while, like a warm, heavy weight. I looked up at him in question. "This ain't... workin' for me."

"I don't know exactly what you're trying to do, but your hand sittin' there like a dead fish isn't exactly sexytimes for me either."

"I have an idea."

And then were were on the deck of a pirate-looking ship. I looked down at my hands, bound in front of me by a rope. And a lot of cleavage, like a gravity-defying amount of cleavage. And a corset, laced up along my stomach. And a skirt. What the hell? I never wore skirts. It was this long sweeping thing with a slit up the side almost to my hip. "Seriously?" I asked Brick, who was happily pounding his fists into pirate-y looking bandits. "Seriously with this shit? You know this wouldn't really hold me, right?" I lifted my hands to elaborate.

"Just go with it!" he called to me as he beat the shit out of the bandits, blood flying in the air and magically missing him. "I'm rescuing you. It's romantic as hell."

"I'm not doing the damsel thing again, Brick. Not hot."

"At least leave the skirt?"

"Fine," I muttered. And then I was standing behind him, aiming my pistol into the throng of bandits before firing again and again.

"This is fun!" he exclaimed.

He had a point. It was kinda fun. Sex, it was not.

All that was left in front of us was a tangle of bodies. He turned to me all shirtless and glistening with sweat in orange glow of the- sunset? He reached one hand behind my back and pulled me roughly to him, bending me backwards over his arm. Yeah, I could get into this. I dropped my gun and it landed on the wooden planks with a clanky kind of thud. He hovered over me and his other hand drifted down to brush lightly against my knee, bare through the slit of the skirt. Lacking a shirt to grab, I slid my hands up behind his neck and pulled gently, urging him down to kiss me.

His mouth swooped down on mine, flicking his tongue against my lips until I opened for him. His hand started to slide slowly up along my thigh.

He pulled back for a long breath and I took the opportunity to say, "You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?" Breathless? I sounded breathless as hell.

"Some." The hand on my leg moved around to my other side and he easily lifted me in his arms. Literally swept me off my feet.

I had little time to wonder where we were going when he tossed me gently backwards. I was in the air for just a moment before I landed square in the middle of a large, soft bed. He followed quickly, moving over me. He knelt, straddling one of my legs and his large hands hovered over my, well it wasn't exactly a neckline, before grasping it and pulling. The fabric ripped easily, the ties of the corset going with them until I was half-naked under him. He eased down on top of me as I slid my hands up his arms, over his shoulders. One of his thighs pressed intimately between my legs and he braced himself mostly on one hand, leaving the other free to find my thigh again through the slit in my skirt. His lips met mine again before making a hot trail down my jaw to the side of my neck. I moaned in approval as his mouth worked its way down my collarbone, down my body...

* * *

"A bodice ripper? Really? This was ridiculous." We were lying companionably on the bed, looking up at the starry night sky.

"Damn fun, though," he replied and I had to nod in agreement.

"Next time, _I _rescue _you_."


	15. Gaige and Zer0

**A/N: As suggested, Gaige and Zer0!**

* * *

"Yes, my goddess of science and asskickery." A less-than-three lit up on his helmet.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. He was only supposed to refer to me as that when we were alone. I looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Maya had- of COURSE she had. Her blue eyebrows drew down together and I hightailed it out of there before she could say anything. We were done for the day anyway, right? Time to get back to Sanctuary and hide in my apartment until she forgot.

Zer0 and I reached the dingy streets of Sanctuary and he tailed me to my apartment. I let us in and went to sit on my battered couch with a soft thump. Shit.

I wasn't at all surprised when I heard a knock on the door just a few moments later. "Go open it," I told Zer0 reluctantly and he went into action.

"Zer0," I heard Maya greet him.

"Hello, blue-haired badass." I didn't have to look to see he was probably flashing boobs at her.

I groaned softly. "Come on in, Maya," I said, resigned to having THIS conversation. I really, REALLY did not want to have this conversation.

She came in and sat beside me and I heard him shut the door. "What the hell is going on?" she asked.

I sighed. "He's malfunctioning."

One of her eyebrows took off toward her hairline like a rakk taking off toward... simile fail. "What?"

I wrinkled my nose. "I kinda... hacked him."

"WHAT?" she demanded and I winced at her loudness.

"Yeah. He's, um, a really high-tech android assassin ninja thing and I kinda hacked him." I gestured to where he was still standing by the door, motionless. "He's, um, well." I took a deep breath. "I'm a genius. And he worked really well for the first little while. But then I got rid of the haiku and I think it broke him."

"YOU BROKE ZER0?" she shrieked at me and I winced again.

"Well, now I guess everyone knows. Thanks... thanks for that. I can fix him, I think, I just have to re-enable the bit that does the haiku." I left off the part about having permanently deleted-and-not-backed-up the entire haiku programming. I'd have to redo that from scratch.

She was staring at me, her mouth slightly open. "He still works," I said defensively. "You saw him today, sword still goes through the baddies and everything. It's just the communication protocols that are messed up."

She took a few deep breaths. "Why?" she asked, so softly that I almost couldn't hear her.

"I think his entire communication protocol is dependant on-" I saw her glaring and stopped. "Oh. You mean, why did I hack him?" I shrugged. "I was bored. And lonely. And..." I could feel myself blushing just a little bit. "Have you seen his fingers?"

"His fingers?"

"His fingers," I repeated and I couldn't stop the happy sigh that slipped out.

Another few deep breaths. "Let me get this straight. You hacked Zer0 and turned him into some sort of 6-foot-tall sex toy?"

"Well, when you put it THAT way..." I wrinkled my nose. "Uh... Yes?"

She muttered something about not even being able to deal with this right now and got up and left. Zer0 helpfully opened and closed the door for her.

I stood up as well. "Come here, metal-man. Let's see if we can't figure out that haiku shit."

"Yes, my goddess of science and asskickery."


	16. Lilith and Mordecai

**A/N: As suggested, Lilith and Mordecai. I haven't forgotten about Mister Torgue and Sir Hammerlock, but I have to be in an extra caps lock mood to write him and I haven't been there yet. :D**

* * *

I reached out and grabbed the hunter's wrist as he made to go up the stairs past me to the closed door. "Don't go in there."

He stopped and looked down at where I was sitting on the steps in front of the Crimson Raiders HQ. "Why not?"

"There's a whole lotta naked times going on in there right now."

I couldn't see his eyes, but I could see the set of the lines in his face as he looked at me questioningly. "What?"

"Sex."

"I got that," he scoffed and lowered himself to sit next to me. He never sat so much as he lounged where ever he dropped himself. Long legs stretched out in front of him, leaned back on his elbows on the step behind him. "What are you doing out here, then?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," I shot back. "Let's just pretend I didn't warn you and you can walk on in there and see Roland's bare ass."

"Roland, huh? Who's he got in there?"

I gave him a look. "Guess."

"Not- No... Damn it, Roland!"

"Uh huh," I agreed through gritted teeth. That had been more-or-less my reaction, and I'd gotten to see her limbs- half tattooed and half not- all wrapped around him. "It's his house, I guess."

He was scowling at his boots. "Yeah, with my woman."

"Apparently not!" I snapped at him. "Maybe if you used your big-boy words instead of doing the whole, silent-mysterious-I'm-not-telling-you-how-I-really -feel bullshit, we wouldn't be in this position!"

"What about you?" he demanded.

"What about me?"

"Silent, mysterious, what was it?"

"I was playing hard to get!" I all-but-yelled. "It was working."

"I can see that," he replied dryly.

There was really nothing to say to that. I wasn't the siren currently upstairs all naked and wrapped around Roland. I sighed and shifted on the step. "Drink?" I asked after a while.

"Sure, let's just stroll down to my ex's and we can ask her about my winning track record."

"Seriously, asshole?" I reached over and gave his shoulder a shove. "You do realize that Moxxi's isn't the only place to drink booze on the entire planet, right?"

"Yeah? Where we gonna go?

We ended up in the ex-lair of the Firehawk. It was quiet and we would be left the fuck alone. That was pretty much my only qualification of where to be. I lit a big fire so my cranky companion wouldn't get too cold. I brought the warmth, he brought the rakk ale. And to be fair, we were both a little cranky.

He sprawled out on my couch on his back, one foot on the cushion and one foot on the floor, head propped up on the arm. I sat on the floor, leaning back against the couch, tossing little bits of rock and dirt and stuff into the fire. We each had our very own bottle of rakk ale, but after finishing his, Mordecai was sharing mine with me.

"Stalker," he suggested.

I sat and thought for a moment, taking a swallow of the vile liquid to help me think. "Fry it. Little spicy mustard with the flour makes a good batter. You'd think it'd have a little more kick to it, but the meat is really bland." He grunted. "Thresher," I told him.

"Smoke it."

"That's your answer for everything." I twisted my head around to pop my neck. "Are we really sitting here and comparing recipes for Pandora's critters?"

"You got a better idea?"

"Poker."

He snorted. "You got some cards tucked somewhere I don't know about? 'Sides, poker's not really fun with just two of us."

"Swimming."

"Don't think so, Lil. The water here's gotta be about two degrees."

"So?" I challenged.

"I'd freeze my balls off. I really like my balls."

I laugh-snorted and choked on the rakk ale until he pounded me on the back. "Shit, Lil, drink it, don't breathe it."

"I'm good," I croaked. I cleared my throat until I was sure I'd sound a little more like a person and a little less like a frog. "Revenge sex?"

He hesitated for a minute. "Why not?" There was a note of challenge in his voice, like he expected me to go, "Haha, just kidding."

I got up and kicked his foot off the couch. "Move over, Mordecai." He straightened into a sitting position and I sat down next to him, so close our legs were touching. After a moment, I put my hand on his thigh. "So. Come here often?" I waggled my eyebrows at him.

He sprayed his mouthful of rakk ale mostly on me and somewhat on the floor and then he started laughing. "Sorry!" he managed.

"Well, that's attractive. Just let me spread my legs for you right now!" I rubbed the alcohol and saliva off my face with my sleeve.

"Yeah, yeah. Wasn't expecting that."

"It wasn't even that funny!"

He shrugged. "You make me nervous."

I could feel the grin stretching the corners of my mouth up. "Really? I make you nervous?"

"Little bit," he admitted, then had another swallow of rakk ale. "You're scary when you want to be."

I pulled my shirt over my head and discarded it on the floor behind me. "How about now?" I asked softly.

"Mmm," he replied, taking in my bra. "Let me help you with that." He reached one hand behind me and worked the clasp with a practiced efficiency. He pulled the straps down my arms and let it drop.

"Nice," I said admiringly.

"What can I say, I'm a pro."

"Gotta take off the goggles, Mordy." I watched him reach up and take them off, setting them carefully on the floor beside the couch. "Why do you wear them all the time, anyway?"

"They help me see." I shot him a look and he continued. "I'm color-blind."

"No shit?"

"No shit." His eyes- dark brown- locked on my uncovered breasts for a minute, specifically the left one. "Huh. Maya's go all the way down, too."

"You haven't even seen 'all the way down!'" I protested.

His long fingers worked my belt clasp, then lifted my hips off the couch with one hand and in a second, I was completely naked. He sat back and surveyed the skin he'd just bared to the world. "There. All the way down."

"Do yours come off as fast?" I taunted him. I had no idea how to get his clothes off.

He laughed again and peeled off his clothes until he was just as naked as I was. I let my eyes roam over him appraisingly. "Well, I am impressed."

"That's why I wear so much," he said seriously. "I'd have to beat the ladies off with a stick if I didn't."

I gave his shoulder a shove. He grabbed my wrist- how did he move so quickly after that much booze?- and then I was pinned on my back on the couch by his body, my wrist pressed against the arm of the couch over my head. He looked down into my eyes for a moment and then ducked his head down, his lips moving along my jaw to my ear. His mouth moved over my skin; he knew where to kiss and where to gently bite. His long fingers were dextrous and he knew exactly what to do with them; stroking, pulling, teasing. I was more than ready when settled himself between my thighs and I pushed my hips up to meet him.

* * *

He sat back on the couch and pulled my feet into his lap. His eyes were on me as he picked up my rakk ale and had a drink.

My arm was a little sore from being confined- he'd held my wrist to the couch the entire time. I worked it gently. "Ow," I said pointedly.

He shrugged. "I ain't sorry."

"Me neither. You're good at this." His face twisted into a knowing smirk and I poked between his ribs with my toe. "You've got to stop that silent-mysterious shit."

"But then I'd be so irresistible that no other man on Pandora would ever get laid. I gotta give those poor guys a chance!"

I poked him with my toe again.


	17. Lilith and Mordecai the second

**A/N: For my dearest PD. Please note, this is a lot more *cough* detailed than I usually write. So, uh, there's that. You've been warned.**

"You've got to come and see this." Mordecai was lounged in the doorway with his arms folded, but there was an excited tension to his skinny frame.

I sighed, putting down the paper I was looking at and giving him a look. "The last time you said that, it was Axton's ass, lodged in Moxxi's window. I didn't need to see that."

"Trust me, Lil. You _need _to see this."

I sighed again and pushed my paper to the side. I stood up and followed Mordecai down the stairs and out to the street. "Where are we going?"

"Thousand Cuts."

"Why?" He was being coy- and irritating.

"Trust me," he said again. "Please?"

"Fine," I snapped. "But if this is bullshit, you're gonna pay."

We went to Pierce Station and in just a moment, we were standing at the entrance to Slab-town. "Is that... Tina?" I asked after a moment. I was sure I could hear the familiar shrill yelling of the world's deadliest 13-year-old.

Mordecai just shrugged and together we walked towards the sound of the yelling. It grew distinctly louder, the closer we got to the large factory Brick had converted into his throneroom. It was _definitely_ Tina yelling.

"Higher!" she yelled. "Put your backs into it, ladies!"

We exchanged a look and walked quietly up to the open front door of the warehouse. Mordecai's mouth dropped open. I could only stare, completely shocked by what was happening in front of me.

The first thing to notice was Brick wearing a pink sweater with a unicorn's head on the front, and a pair of matching track pants. He looked in real danger of splitting the sweater. The second thing to notice was that Gaige was balanced on one foot on his raised hand, her other leg extended behind her, parallel to the floor, wearing a similar outfit with a skirt. He pushed her up into the air and she came down, landing in a cradle of Brick and Mister Torgue's arms.

"Holy shit," I breathed. Shit was getting real when Mister Torgue wasn't automatically the first thing you noticed in a room.

"YEEEEEEAH!" the shirtless host yelled. "MEEDLYMEEDLYMOOOOOOW!"

"Better!" Tina yelled from her post on the loft that hung across the back of the room. "Hey!" she shouted, catching sight of us. "Get your butts ova here!"

"No way," I said, shaking my head and taking a step backward.

"No spectators! Get over here!" Tina demanded and the door slammed down behind us. I exchanged another look with Mordecai and walked into the room, a little sheepish and a lot wondering how the hell to get out of there.

* * *

"I am never laughing at cheerleading again," Mordecai muttered, flopping gracelessly onto the couch. "Everything hurts. My aches have pains."

I grunted and sat down beside him. "This was your idea," I accused him, letting my head fall back onto the back of the couch, eyes closing.

"_That_ was not my idea."

"Whatever. You still owe me."

"What do I owe you?" he asked, and I opened my eyes to look over at him.

"You can start with a backrub."

"Seriously, Lil?" he asked. "I don't think I can feel my arms."

"And whose fault is that? Sure ain't mine!"

He sighed in defeat and stood, gingerly pulling himself upright as his muscles protested. "Lay down," he instructed, sounding just a little put out. He deserved it.

I pulled my tank top off and laid down on my belly on the couch in just my bra, head cradled on my arms. I felt him settle himself on the backs of my thighs and his long fingers swept over my shoulders. They dug in, rotated, working my sore muscles and spreading a delicious relaxed feeling as he methodically worked down my back. Couldn't feel his arms or not, he was good at this.

Down over my shoulders, down my back, into the dip where my back met my hips. I let out a soft moan. Maybe, just maybe, this was worth the drill-sergeant-led cheerleading work-out.

His hands left my back. "Hey," I protested drowsily. "I wasn't done yet."

"Neither was I," he said, his voice was considerably lower than usual. Lightly, just the barest of touches, his fingers skimmed up my back from the waist of my pants, up to where my bra fastened. I could feel the goosebumps rising out of my skin. "Missed a spot," he murmured, dextrously flicking my bra open. His fingertips traced gently along the line where my bra had been, over my back, down my side, down to where my breast was pushed up against the couch. His hand slipped under me, fingers deftly capturing my nipple between them. He tugged gently, rolling the bead of flesh until I moaned again.

"Mordecai..." I started. His hand shifted to my ribs and he turned me over so that I was staring up at him, bra draped uselessly across my chest. He caught it and pulled it off, discarding it beside us. "You too," I said, my voice husky and breathless.

He gave me that knowing smirk and pulled off his own shirt. His goggles were off, I realized, his dark eyes staring deeply into mine. I'd seen him shirtless before, of course, but it never failed to amaze me that he kept all of that hidden away. His was long and lean, the ghost of his ribs just above well-defined abs that disappeared tantalizingly into the waist of his pants.

I lifted my hand and ran one finger down the center of his chest, over those hard muscles, and down into the waistband of his pants.

He was on me then, his lips coming down to seek mine. I reached up and caught my fingers in his hair, holding him close to me. Our tongues teased, played, and then his mouth was trailing down to my neck, down over my collarbone, and then closing over my right nipple. I gasped as he gently sucked the tender skin, his hands moving over my body again, this time to the fastening of my pants. I lifted my hips for him to push my pants and panties off and then I was naked underneath him.

He nipped at my nipple until I gasped, and then released it to straighten up and look down at me. I could see the approval in his dark eyes as his gaze followed the swirling blue tattoos down my ribs and over my hip. He shifted back a little and dropped his head again and this time his tongue made a hot path down over my stomach the same way I had touched him, stopping to swirl in my navel. He went lower, and I found myself straining my hips up to meet him. He skipped over the thatch of red curls at the apex of my thighs and instead nibbled the inside of my thighs, first the left, then the right. His fingers slid up along the tops of my legs, closer and closer to where I was aching to be touched.

"Please," I begged, a cracked whisper of desperation. "Please!"

He chuckled and gripped my thighs, one in each hand, pulling my pelvis upward and my legs apart until his tongue gently bumped against the tight bundle of nerves that was aching to be touched. I arched into him, my breath coming in short gasps as his lips closed over me. He shifted his grip until one of his long fingers slid deep inside me and I bit my lip to stifle a scream. A second finger joined the first and I bucked my hips toward him.

My hips thrust against his mouth as he dragged his fingers in and out, his lips and tongue working at my tight nub of flesh. A hot spiral of pleasure was building inside me and exploded with a scream as his fingers curled over that spot deep inside me and stroked.

He lowered my hips to the couch and withdrew, watching me with that knowing smirk while I regained some sense of myself. "Better?" he asked.

"Mm," I replied, finding my voice again. "A little bit. I think your pants should come off, though."

He shifted and slid his own pants off, sitting down properly as I moved forward onto my knees. I glided forward until my head was in his lap and, parting my lips, I took him into my mouth. "Jesus, Lil!" he exclaimed, pushing his hips up to meet me. He was already hard, and it was just a second before his fingers gripped my hair, urging me up.

I straddled him, positioning myself over him, and slowly lowered myself down, letting out a low moan as I took his length inside of me. I moved on him, slowly as first, and then faster and faster until I could hear the sound of our flesh slapping together as our bodies met. My fingernails dug into his shoulders and he gripped my hips tightly, urging me on. "Oh shit, Lil." He stilled, his body tensed up and then he groaned as I threw my head back and screamed as we found our release together.

I collapsed against his chest, my head falling to rest on his shoulder. "I'm not going to be able to move for a week," I mumbled against his neck.

"Sounds good to me," he replied, draping his arms loosely about me to hold me close.


End file.
